Tag: hope

Forgetting to be Present.

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It’s done. It feels so bizarre when A LOT of time frees up suddenly. These past 5 months I have been finishing my bachelor’s degree in Nutrition. Three classes were independent study, this means you sign up for the class and you have up to one year to finish it at your own pace. In my case, to qualify for the grants and loans I received I had to finish them within the semester. The problem with self-study classes is getting the ambition to get the work.67 done. It’s so easy to distract yourself if there is something to clean or a friend to hang out with. Yet I couldn’t live in the present. Every time I was ‘distracting’ myself, the little voice in my head was disappointed with me.

It was a wild ride, but I did it. I managed to get everything turned in on time, passed my classes with mostly A’s and a B, and I should be receiving my degree in the mail next month…Yay me!

Now I feel like I’m twiddling my thumbs … I don’t know what to do with all this time. It’s been so long, I almost forgot what I enjoy doing. These last 10 days have been a roller coaster. The first week I was hit with a myriad of emotions. Everything that I had been suppressing for the last 5 months. It was overwhelming to say the least. Another moment of feeling a little ashamed at having not processed anything and letting it build up – I know better than that especially in a life of recovery.

Day 10, life is evening out. Still not sure what direction to go – looks like it should be back to basics. Sometimes we lose ourselves, in whatever it might be; the important aspect is the bounce back.

Breathing in inspiration, Exhaling disappointment. Breathing in perseverance, Exhaling self-defeating thoughts. Breathing in hope, Exhaling gratitude. Releasing with three sighs, knowing I am now connected to the Divine and am ready to step on my path.

Here is to remembering how to live in the “NOW” with happiness – Cheers!

Ocean Waves

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The ebb and flow of change is sometimes hard to cope with. When the story doesn’t go as you imagined and it doesnt seem to be in your favor. It sure is hard to see the light sometimes, collecting our blessings and lessons gathered from realizations of experiences with positive or negative outcomes.

If you are currently unhappy or upset about a thought, feeling, or consequence

Change it.

Easier said then done. Although, different perspectives can drastically shift the emotion attached to particular thoughts. For instance, a lover’s quarrel seems miniscule in comparison to a friend being diagnosed with cancer. Sometimes all it takes is a change of scenery to secure a different outlook on your current situation. Sometimes I look at pictures of puppies and kitties for sale on craigslist – it always seems to make me smile. Perhaps I will sit down and watch a comedy or a documentary or a guided meditation. Today I decided to try something new….

It was both terrifying and magical to walk through the tropical forest at The Butterfly Pavilion. So scared I may step on one, yet watching them flutter around and zip past my head was breathtaking. They freaked me out when they came zooming for my head, of course it always resulted in a soft giggle to myself for being frightened of something so silly.

One of these delicate creatures landed on my journal this afternoon, while staring up at me with its glossy eyes, it smiled and reminded me to see the bigger picture. Change can be complicated, terrifying, magical, breathtaking, humbling, fast, silly, and simple all at the same time.

Butterflies are not afraid of the unknown and whimsically dance through the forecast of fear to fully live in the now. There is an innate beauty in the finishing of a process, a completion of a step, and the excitement of the unknown future. To go boldly, genuinely, and with love is the greatest gift one can give. Always keeping in mind “Everything is going to be OK in the end. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end.

❤

Contradicting Thoughts and Realizations 

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I went to a CA meeting on New Year’s Eve. The gentleman sharing was 21 years old. He had 5 years clean. I instantly judged him as not credible. He didn’t have enough experience. He didn’t have enough to lose.

Then he said something that instantly made me feel terrible about my judgments. “It doesn’t matter if you hit rock bottom or not we are all here for the same reason.” We go to meetings because we have a problem, we keep it anonymous to not be judged, we all agree we need help and that we cannot stay clean doing it alone. 

I felt horrible for having that initial thought, but that’s the point right? To catch ourselves if we do something wrong, recognize the error, and make it right. I realized this initial thought was silly based on one of my own beliefs. You only hit rock bottom when you die, if you are still alive there is still room for improvement. If you aren’t alive, you never have a chance to make things right. It doesn’t take a major life event to open your eyes to your addiction or a developing addiction. Sometimes all it takes is a realization that alcohol or drugs are causing you more pain then the pain you aim to escape from. Meetings are to give hope, to know you’re not alone, and something greater can help you conquer your addiction in despair. 

Pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth. It is important to stop pursuing whatever your idea of perfection is, you will never be happy if you aim for such an ideal. Find beauty in the littlr things. Happiness is appreciating what you have, not getting what you want.

Sobriety is a journey not a destination. I am excited to see what 2018 has in store for me!

#alwaysgettingbetter 

Without Change There Would Be No Butterflies

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Butterflies have held symbolism in many cultures for centuries, mainly representing endurance, change, hope, and life. How suiting that this lovely creature decided to fly inside, to say ‘Hi’ at a celebration representing change, hope, and resilience.

 

Friday night was a celebration of overcoming the obstacle of addiction. Addiction is a side effect of anxiety, emotional, and physical traumas. The butterfly fluttering in was a great representation to remember the great endeavors we have overcome in life. It takes a lot of willpower and continuing hard work to maintain a life of sobriety. I wouldn’t be where I am today with out the support of my family and friends; living in a state of gratitude every day I wake up.

The Christian religion looks at the butterfly as a symbol of resurrection. Resurrection into a truer you. Powerful transformation, metamorphosis in your life, moving through different life cycles, renewal, and rebirth – I am using this evening’s visit as a refresher. A reminder that it is important to keep sight of your goals and keep pushing for what you want out of life.

Always. Taking. Steps. Forward.

“Like a butterfly, I am growing, and changing and finding my true colors in life. I am finding my wings so I can fly, and soon be on my way.”